"All my friends who have kids are in hell."

Call Her Daddy/ via youtube.com

During a recent podcast interview, pop singer and fellow Missourian, Chappell Roan discusses life back home with her friends and points out that their lives are so different from hers, most are married with kids. When asked if that's something she wants, she hesitates, saying, "I actually don’t know anyone who’s happy and has children at this age… I’ve literally not met anyone who’s happy, anyone who has light in their eyes, who has slept."

Some people heard this and felt attacked, launching "I'm a parent her age and happy" campaign. Others expressed similar feelings of doubt, while some simply applauded her honesty.

Parenting in your 20's is uniquely challenging

First, Chappell is talking about Gen Z. These are parents in their 20's. Parenting is hard at any age, but your 20's is a time for developing your sense of self, establishing your identity in the world outside from your childhood. Once you add the identity of parent to the mix, your self-discovery and growth can easily get left on the back burner because kids demand a lot of attention, especially in the first five years, though this can happen to parents of any age.

Thinking about how her parents had her at 23, she thinks, "Why did my parents do this?"

I can relate. My mother had me when she was 17 and my sister had her daughter when she was 18. A lot of my sister's friends also had kids in their early 20's. I saw how hard parenting was, how consuming it was, and I wanted to wait. I didn't feel ready, although I was certain that I eventually wanted to become a mother.

Parental burnout affects all generations

I'm of the xennial generation, a micro-generation on the border of Gen X and Millennials. I had my first child at the age of 37. Sure this gave me more financial security and emotional maturity, but it didn't protect me from the same "no light in my eyes" moments that come from raising small children, aka parental burnout.

Parenting is exhausting. You are sleep deprived. You don't know what you're doing. Yeah, you might have a better understanding of you are in your 30's, but once kids arrive, you are thrust into a new job with an outdated handbook (passed down from your parents) and an endless stream of advice. This is out, this is in. This is bad, this is good.

The idea of parental burnout grew quietly, then raged into a national crisis, with the Surgeon General warning us to build in more support systems like affordable child care, paid sick leave, and better access to mental health care. He also discussed the dangers associated with social media and the concern over school shootings.

The answer to burnout isn't more self-care. Yes, that is important, but we need to adjust our perception of what a good parent means. It means finding balance. Knowing when to let go, how to accept help, and when to say no. Making time for ourselves and our partners is as important as taking our kids to ballet or swim lessons.

Could the unhappiness she sees be something more?

Mental Health

Recent surveys show that Gen Z is less happy than previous generations were at that age. A 2022 study of young adults aged 19-24 found that 42% were diagnosed with a mental health condition. Jonathan Haidt examines the rise in self harm, depression and anxiety in Gen Z with the introduction of smartphones and social media, along with a decline in play based childhoods.

Social media traps us in a comparison culture where we're constantly feeling like we're falling short. This is especially true for people with perfectionism. I'm not saying her friends have this trait, but there has been a rise in socially-prescribed perfectionism: the pressure to measure up to unrealistic standards, fear of judgment or criticism, perceived inability to please/impress others. This type of perfectionism can develop through parental relationships, peer relationships, and society.

Economics

Earnings are traditionally lower in the early phases of adulthood, but the soaring cost of living is a significant burden on Gen Z. They will have to work harder, yet earn less than their parents did. We don't know if her friends are experiencing any financial stress, but it's a fair guess. Even if they aren't struggling with their bills, are they satisfied, fulfilled, stable?

I'm sure there's plenty of happiness that goes unseen

Until you are a parent, you simply can't understand the dichotomy of parenthood. It's both beautiful and hellish. It's natural and mysterious. It's short and fast. It's hard and easy.

When I was in my late 20's and still trying to establish my career, the thought of staying home full time seemed outrageous. Not for everyone, but for myself. I simply never imagined myself in that position. It seemed outdated, unfair, unfulfilling. I wanted it all, whatever that was. But then I got pregnant and my career wasn't where I wanted it to be and the thought of someone else watching my baby while I plugged away at a thankless job seemed more outrageous. To my surprise, I loved it. That's not to say it hasn't been hard, but for me it's been worth it.

I say let the singer say what she wants, do what she wants, think what she wants and then give her the freedom to change her mind about it all.

Christina Corcoran© 2025

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