It's okay to struggle

I was fortunate to be a chaperone for my third grader's field trip at a STEAM learning space for kids. Part of their time was in a classroom, learning how to apply the scientific method. The instructor showed them a circle map, starting at the top with Wonder, then Plan, Create, Test, Improve, and finally Reflect. She broadly waved her hand around the words test and improve and said, "It is okay to stay in this loop because that is where learning happens." I smiled because I just heard this same message from Dr. Becky.

The Learning Space

Dr. Becky, popular psychologist and author, recently went viral for a speech she gave at Duke University about resilience and "The Learning Space." After seeing how impactful this video was, she followed up with an special Q&A event where she further explained how this affects kids. Kids naturally want to avoid the frustration that happens in the space between knowing something and not knowing something. But that space is where all the learning happens.

During the field trip, kids were divided into small groups and tasked with building a skyscraper, using materials like straws, craft sticks, and notecards, that would withstand a small fan blowing on it. The instructor said, "Each thing you create is a prototype. And if that one doesn't work, you just make a new prototype ... maybe it takes 4?"

She brilliantly neutralized fear from the learning process by doing these 3 things.

• 1) Eliminated Surprise of Failure: They knew in advance that it may take several attempts to get it right

• 2) Normalized Failure: Used the circle map to prove that testing and improving are part of the process

• 3) Renamed Failure: Calling the unsuccessful creation a "prototype" took away any negative association

The class cheered as each group passed the fan test. Then the last group's prototype fell over and the room fell silent. They quickly picked it up and made improvements WITHOUT any signs of frustration or embarrassment. Their new prototype passed the test and we all cheered! What a cool experience for them, but all I kept thinking was, where was this when I was a kid? Not only was I burdened with the fear of failing, but I grew up in a time when math and science were seen as boy subjects.

Reinforcing the Scientific Method

Sure perfectionism motivates me to achieve and aspire, but without being honest about how it hurts me, I'm perpetuating the WRONG cycle.

Perfectionists get caught in a cycle of setting high goals, working hard, falling short, overthinking mistakes, and wallowing in shame. Rinse. Repeat. The issue is our self-worth gets tangled in this mess.

If we want kids to increase their frustration tolerance, we need to reinforce the scientific method. And the number one way to teach kids complex ideas is through modeling. Before you attempt something new or challenging, say out loud, this will take some practice and I might mess up. If you fall short, explain that you gave it your best and you can try again or, given the circumstances, accept that it is good enough.

Later that morning, I was given the perfect opportunity to model imperfection at the button maker station. There's a step by step guide for how to make a pin button and my daughter and her friend were quickly trying to do this one last thing before moving to the next station. After designing the paper, you use a machine to assemble and seal the pieces. The girls asked me for help. I said, "Okay, I'll give it my best." Just then, we heard the announced that it was time to clean up, so we rushed through the steps and the button was a flop. The metal piece was inserted upside down. Using what I just learned, I said, "Prototype number one," and grabbed a new piece and said, "Let's try again." It worked, but there was a small gap where the plastic cover wasn't fully sealed. My daughter grabbed it and said, "Thanks, it's good enough."

Now even though I kept my cool and said all the "right" things, I was still nervous. I wanted that button to be perfect. There, I admit it. It's important to know your "old" worries will still be there and that is normal. Often times we start a new path for self-improvement and get embarrassed or upset if we haven't perfectly and instantly erased our old habits. That just isn't realistic. Perfectionism is a personality trait. It is a part of who I am. The best any of us can do is to stay mindful. Don't ignore the cues your body sends. The flush in your cheeks, the increased heart rate, whatever your signals are, be aware of them and remember to practice self-compassion.

Hearing my daughter say "It's good enough," warms my heart because it's a sign she is getting the message, but it also reinforces what I need to remember. Learning is a process. There is no easy, linear jump from not knowing to knowing. And sometimes you don't have time to repeat the process over and over, it might just need to be "good enough."

Christina Corcoran© 2025

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